I Wish My Name Was Moon Unit

So I was talking to my new friend V Donovan, aka Coolbeans4, aka Pam from the Office (I’m Jim, or maybe Michael, or quite possibly Dwight, but definitely not Creed, so at least I have that going for me/Gifs on Twitter). And the discussion of strange names came up.

Actress Shannyn Sossamon (Shannon with a y, already doomed) shockingly named her child Audio Science. Do we have a Mr. Audio Science in class today? (Beans won’t think this is funny because I already used this joke, spoiler alert, it crushed.)

This sparked my search to find the strangest celebrity baby names. I know Michael Jackson named his son Blanket and there was a funny South Park episode about it.

I found an article listing 50 of them on Babble.com, I am going to highlight the best one’s.

First up: Moon Unit Zappa


Being named Moon Unit is very dominant. That name is so alpha that you already have an advantage over every guy in the room. Don’t need to worry about Ice Breakers at college, your damn name is all you need. Everybody will want to talk to Moon or even Unit, M-Unit?

The key is being self-aware that your name is outrageous and using this to your advantage. Moon Unit sounds like a band name, a gang/crime boss, and a boring scientific measurement all rolled into 1. Moon Unit’s brother is named Dweezil. Who’d you say was coming over today?” My boys Moon Unit and Dweezil. Destined to be the best rap-duo of all-time.

Look what’s below Moon Unit, Heaven Love’on Stone. Goodluck with trying to please everyone Heaven Love’on Stone, piss somebody off and you become Hell Hatred’on Rock. Or just Hell Child, or Hell Stone. Hell Stone isn’t quite bad actually, sounds kinda badass.

Speck Wildhorse 

Speck Wildhorse is a legendary name. It’s funny how these are all first names. My parents named me Matt ___ (my last name). Imagine if they named me Matt Lion King ____ . I’d be held to a standard out of the womb at the highest of levels. I’m a king without even doing anything, and not just any king, King of the God Damn Animal Kingdom if I might add.

Speck Wildhorse is just some random horse human. He’s no Lion King like me, he’s inferior. An inferior animal human and that’s where I’ll leave it. Now realizing mid-type that Speck Wildhorse actually sounds like a tribal name, like Hollow Horn Bear, I feel very very less of a man.

Memphis Eve sounds like a sassy strippers name.

Pirate Howsmon


Want to know something great? Pirate Howsmon has an older brother named Nathan. Did Nathan hit the lottery? Or was he just not cool enough to be named something wild like Ninja? Pirate is going to get destroyed in school by a-hole bullies mocking him. Unless he becomes a real-life Pirate and stays true to his name, then all other kids beware. Pirate needs to become Steve from Dodgeball: The Untold Story, it worked out for him, it will for Pirate Howsmon too.

Tweet me @TheAlbumWeb and tell me your favorite outrageous names people named their children. POINTS to anybody with a wild name, and refer me to as only Moon Unit or Matt Lion King from this point forward.

 

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