Huge animal guy here. Nature is the scariest and most savage thing out there. It’s right in front of us and it goes unnoticed in most cases because we’ve accustomed ourselves to live with one another. Every year I see news articles about Leopards attacking and killing people in India, that’s absolutely wild to me. Couldn’t even imagine having that happen in America. (sidenote: then again a toddler got eaten by an alligator in Florida, but Florida is almost like a separate country from the USA because of the stories that come out from there…just joking but not really joking.)
Me: Where’s Tom? He was supposed to come over an hour ago…
Friend: There was an elephant in the road so he said fuck it and went home.
I’m listening to A Fighter & The Kid, a comedy podcast that talks about current events, MMA, and invites on guests to talk about interesting things. Well their newest episode features Coyote Peterson, an animal expert who makes crazy and entertaining videos on YouTube.
He’s been stung by a Bullet Ant, confronted a Wolverine in Alaska, and had his arm bitten by an American Alligator (his arm was in a brace to protect him but it still pierced it).
So this brought me to the aspect of:
If I was going to take over the world or just live amongst wild animals and they wouldn’t maul me to death or gouge my eyes out, what would be the most badass wolfpack to roll with?
I know I need to have an animal from each of the environments and I would need to control the land, sea, and sky.
Some Guidlines: The animal can’t be extinct, so you can’t have a Pterodactyl soaring the skies like a boss.
It can’t be a mythical creature like a mermaid, Sasquach, or a unicorn.
And it can’t be a ghost or an alien, this is to all those ghost people out there. Having an alien would be rad. But a ghost? You can’t even see ghosts, I’d be a crazy person talking to myself outloud in public. I can’t be the local crazy ghost guy of the town, there goes Matt again screaming at the lamp post. Team Alien all day, but I digress because it doesn’t even matter here.
So let’s break this down – I’m going to suggest 3 different animals per/environment then choose 1 or more to be included in the 3.
Water – Oceans, Fresh Water/Salt Water, Lakes, Rivers, Seas
Killer Whale (Orca)
Known as the “Man Eater’s of the World”, THE most dangerous threat to humans. After the first initial bite, they will proceed to roll and drag it’s prey underwater. The rolling often severs arms, legs, skin and breaks bone. Dragging it underwater leaves the animal breathless craving it’s precious air. Added to the bone crushing pressure with each bite, probably one of the worst ways to go. These things are Moose’s too, very large, can sneak up on it’s prey catching them before they can escape.
They were once typically found in Southeast Asia, but now can be found in New Guinea, India, Northern Australia, and many smaller islands within the area.
If we’re being honest I’d rather take on a Great White Shark than a saltwater croc. Then again I haven’t been up close with a Great White and probably would poop my pants, throw up, and poop my pants again in it’s presence.
The Great White isn’t on this list, because Orcas actively hunt Great Whites. There have been instances where scientists would play Orca noises around Great Whites and they would vacant the area as fast as possible because of their appeared presence.
Salt Water Crocs lifespan is 70 years old. Damn Dinosaurs.
Octopus are incredibly smart. I’m a smarts guy. I like my animals to be both strong and intelligent. Ever hang out with a bulldog before? Those cute little guys are awesome to hang around with, but are the most clumsy little guys I’ve ever seen. Banging their heads off couches and tables, tripping over themselves, it’s mayhem.
I’ve read a recent story about an Octopus named Inky in a New Zealand Aquarium. The Octopus can read facial expressions of humans so it can detect whether you’d be a threat or not. This particular Octopus studied the habits of it’s keepers and figured out how to squeeze out of his tank, scamper 8 feet across the floor and down a drain pipe with the diameter the size of a small coin, into the bay outside. The article stated that Octopus are incredible escape artists and their brains are so complex that they have the ability to build mental maps. They have been seen transporting coconuts to build underwater shelters. Magnificent and crafty creatures.
There was an Octopus in a British Aquarium who would escape his tank every night and go to a nearby one to hunt fish, then sneak back into his own in the morning. Their lifespan is a shockingly low number, some as low as 6 months, but the average is 3-5 years.
Orcas are both smart and deadly. They don’t have many predators, they laugh at Great White’s in their presence and they have the second largest brains in the Animal Kingdom. I would love to have an Octopus in the crew, but for just 3, I need large animals who can dominate all foes. The saltwater Croc is all muscle no brain. Obviously they are smart, but not nearly as sophisticated or calculated as the other two. The average lifespan for Orcas is between 15-30 years old depending on it’s gender.
Air – The Sky, I don’t know man..
Bald Eagle (because America and stuff)
Bald Eagles are the symbol of America. The epitome of badass predators in the sky. Their screech screams Freedom. They are found in mostly North America. They breed in wetlands, along the coasts, or near large bodies of water that contain plenty of prey to hunt. They travel at speeds up to 56-70 km/h or 35-43mph according to my extensive research on Wikipedia.com. They hunt birds, mammals, and fish, a carnivore diet.
They have powerful talons giving the ability to latch onto dead prey for transportation to their nests. They use these talons as weapons to kill too. The average lifespan is 20 years old but the oldest recorded Bald Eagle is 38 years old.
Great Horned Owl
They are nicknamed The Tiger of the Sky. They hunt a variety of prey, mostly small land animals like skunks, mice, prarie dogs, but they also large predators like Ospreys, Falcons, and other owls who mainly seek out fish. They’re not picky, but equally deadly. They eat their own kind! THEY EAT THEIR OWN KIND! That’s common practice! You know how they say to avoid getting in a fight, out crazy the other person to scare them from maybe not trying to fight you? Imagine if somebody just starting biting at you like a zombie! Give me this crazy Great Horned Owl any day, always need one wildcard in the group to keep the rest of us levelheaded.
Owls have some of the best night vision among birds. They literally and figuratively own the night. Their stealth and swift flying speeds make it nearly impossible to escape.
The oldest recorded age for a Great Horned Owl is at least 28 years old.
I was carefully suggesting the Cassowary but they are flightless birds, and that’s BS. Have you heard of the American military “owning the night” because of night vision technology? Well I want to own the skies, the water, the oceans, the land, underground, the Artic, fucking everywhere and I can’t do that with a flightless and selfish Cassowary.
That being said, Cassowary’s are incredibly badass. During WWII American and Australian soldiers were warned to stay away from these birds because they have a long sharp nail attached to their feet that is said to be able to “sever an arm or eviscerate an abdomen with ease”. That’s the only warning I need, HARD PASS.
Average life span of the Cassowary is 20-40 years old.
Selection: Great Horned Owl
You thought I was going to select a Bald Eagle solely because I’m an American?
I’m choosing an Owl over an Eagle or Cassowarry because of it’s ability to be stealthy at night, it’s remarkable intelligence, night vision, and fearlessness. They are beautiful to look at, which is a plus, a quiet but feared predator. And…they eat their own kind, like I flipped out about before, that’s wild. Do I think a Great Horned Owl could take on a Bald Eagle? Probably, but I’m not a traitor, so I’d mediate the situation before the trial by combat ensues.
The most dramatic slow motion video I’ve ever seen
Land – Artic, Jungle, Desert, Forrest
Polar Bears are the scariest bears in my amateur animal opinion. They can swim nearly as good as they run on land. They are one of the largest land animals weighing up to 1300lbs or 600kg. They are known as the only bear species to actively hunt humans when food is scarce. They can smell a seals breathing hole up to a mile away according to one source. They live in the Artic. They are NOT the cute and cuddly polar bears from the Coca-cola (Coke) commercial. They ARE some of the fiercest badasses to walk the Earth.
Black Jaguar’s are known to have one of the most powerful pound for pound bites on the planet. The Black Jaguar one of the largest Big Cat’s, behind the Tiger and the Lion. They are habited in rain forests in South America but can be found in the deserts of Arizona (oh shit!…I think these are regular Jaguars in AZ but still). They weigh anywhere from 80-210lbs. They are fast and agile. They hunt crocodiles, turtles, deer, sloth, snakes, monkeys, pretty much anything they can catch. Beautiful looking animals, very very scary. That Saltwater Croc selection wouldn’t be too great if his buddy was a Black Jaguar.
Hippo’s kill the most people out of any wild animal in Africa every year. They are the third largest land animals behind the Rhino and the Elephant, averaging at 3,300lbs or 1,500kg. Their closest relatives are the whale and porpoise. Hippo’s can travel up to 20mph on land in short sprints and are above average swimmers traveling up to 30mph underwater. They have the ability to close their noses, hold their breath up to 5 minutes and sleep underwater using a bobbing technique that opens and closes their airway without waking up.
They are unpredictable, territorial, and extremely aggressive. The average lifespan for a Hippo is between 40-50 years.
I was thinking about adding an insect to the list but realized that most insects are deadly because their are multitudes of them. Others like poisonous spiders might be a good choice too. Like in Kung Fu Panda how they have Mantis. I could walk into a town presumably alone, yet their is a badass Bullet Ant on my shoulder ready to sting any trouble that comes my way. On all the lists I’ve seen on the Internet, they all list the Mosquito as being the top deadliest. Mosquitos are annoying as hell and the worst part of the summers in the Northeast of the US. One mosquito isn’t going to kill you, but it can give you some gnarly viruses. That being said, it’s a no on the insect inclusion, though I respect their deadliness.
Peep this video of a Hippo chasing a boat…NOPE.
Tweet me @TheAlbumWeb with your picks or leave a comment on why you’d choose another animal over my choices.
All photos are from Google Images and videos are from YouTube.