I had a whole blog about me ranting and raving about the top 10 greatest weapons ever created throughout history. I didn’t include Apache Helicopters, Tanks, Submarines, AC-130 Gunships, etc. etc. etc. because I thought that would be too gnarly in comparison with the taser. After digging myself out of the rabbit hole I often find myself in on the Internet, I wanted to post about the best weapon ever invented in my childish opinion.

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The Taser. In most instances, I will laugh 10/10 whenever someone gets tased tazed? I’m talking about the deployable taser not the handheld. When you actually see the prongs attach to the persons body, I actually get excited when a suspect is running away on the show Cops and I hear “Taser, Taser, Taser” being yelled.

It’s the best weapon in my amateur and childish opinion because not only does it completely incapacitate every fiber in your body, unless you’re on an insane amount of drugs, it also doesn’t kill you. Completely losing all control over your bodily functions one second, to sitting in your own filth questioning every life decision you made the next.

The maximum distance is only 35 feet…shame.

I think there should be more tasers in the world. Why haven’t they invented Taser assault rifles yet? I’ll sit on my couch and Tweet about it actively campaign for this to be implemented across society. It’s 2017 people, scientists and engineers need to invent bullet-like projectiles that electrocute on impact. Rapid fire. Imagine a hostage situation with some maniac holding a knife to a woman’s throat. Then a SWAT Team Sniper fires a ball filled with electricity into the dudes nostrils like the movie The Hangover. 

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That dude wouldn’t have to buy a beer for the rest of his life. Think about all the lives it would save blah blah blah, THE STORIES, THINK ABOUT THE STORIES! I’m enthralled at the possibility of such gloriousness.

How about this, inventing Tasers so strong you poop your pants immediately. That would be the most embarrassingly effective weapon in all the land. If people were getting tased and pooping themselves, they’d be less likely to be dicks.

Exhibit A – Security at a bar before a fight breaks out

Hey man chill out or I’m gonna tase you!

Okay, Okay, Jesus Christ – (walks away)

OR

Hey man chill out or I’m gonna tase you! 

*Fight ensues and is immediately tased*

No girl wants to go home with a guy with a dump in his pants. Especially a guy on the ground questioning his existence while stinking up the place. I don’t care if that guy is Leo DiCaprio. It’s the most emasculating thing ever. It’s a night killer. Tuck that tail between your legs and walk home. God help the Uber driver who drives up to that scene. Brutal. 

Now here are a bunch of GIFs of people getting tased into next week.

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Security guards are lame, imagine seeing this thing hovering in the corner. What the hell is that thing. Give me a drone Army armed with deployable tasers any day.

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I don’t care that this was staged…A+ taser

 

Discussion: 

  1. What are your thoughts on the Taser?
  2. Sniper Tasers?

Tweet me Taser Video/GIFs ASAP @TheAlbumWeb

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