Sperm Whales Used to be F*cking Terrifying

Livyatan Prehistoric Sperm Whale
Holy shit Jay, it’s a baby whale!

Few might not bat an eye at the Sperm Whale when discussing some seriously intimidating aquatic species. Great whites, Orcas, Box jellyfish, and Crocodiles get all the headlines. Whales are looked at today as peaceful giants who roam the seas with pure elegance. Unlike the scene from Finding Nemo where Dory and Marlin are vacuumed into the Humpback whales mouth and blown feet into the air out of its blowhole, toothed species like the sperm whale bite the shit out of its prey.

According to my newly appointed resident wildlife expert: Atom – yes that’s his real name – this is all fine and dandy because the alternative during prehistoric times was fucking terrifying. Before we dive into how lucky we are that those sea monsters are extinct, here are some knowledge bombs about the Sperm whale that are pretty awesome in their own right.

Sperm Whale
Sperm Whale – Similar in size to prehistoric Sea Monsters – Less petrifying

Atom stated that sperm whales today, “Mostly hunt the Humboldt squid. They’re not technically considered apex predators, but they are just so fucking massive that nothing bothers attacking them. However, sometimes Orcas attack the calves if they stray too far away from the pod.”

Males are on average 16 meters or 52 feet long and have the possibility of growing up to 20.5 meters or 67 feet. Equivalent to the size of a school bus. They weigh between 77,000–130,000 pounds or really-really-heavy-kilograms. Their teeth are about 14 centimeters long. They sleep vertically, have the largest brains in the animal kingdom, and researchers have alluded to the tidbit of them sometimes confusing Humans as prey.

Not ideal. Not ideal at all.

Sperm Whale
Break the wrist; Walk away.

Sperm whales teeth are on their lower jaws and use them to have Mexican standoffs with giant squid at depths of 300-800 meters (900-2,400 ft) and rarely exceed over 2 kilometers (5,000 ft). Though never observing the battles, Sperm whales are often seen with large scars on the exterior of their bodies. We all know that squid, giant squid, and colossus squid are some bizarre creatures. But prehistoric ancestors to the Sperm whale were in fact apex predators, which in lenience terms means that they were pretty much Optimus Prime of the sea and dunked on any inferior wildlife in its presence.


Prehistoric Sperm Whales – originally known as The Great Whale and named Leviathan, which sounds way more badass

Great Whale

The Livyatan melvillei (that horrifying looking image at the very top) was originally named Leviathan, a legendary sea monster from the Bible but because some nerdy tropical sea snail already had the name, they renamed it to which they added the author of the biblical badass sea monster Moby Dick.

It had really massive chompers and didn’t worry about hunting small wimpy squids some 12 million years ago – mostly because they were invincible. They were like when I would play CoD against my friends little brother. Complete unadulterated dominance. A Bloodbath. A crime scene. All of the real-estate in his brain became mine.

Squidward Spongebob

It’s only competition was the Megalodon, ya know that super massive shark that every Shark Week show host loses their shit over for making Jaws look like a goldfish in comparison? It has not been confirmed whether they ever battled it out or if they had a mutual respect to team up and run the oceans like a bunch of crime lords owning territory. Yet I’d like to think it as so.

Moby Dick was the same size as a Sperm whale today, which is a bit surprising. Yet they had teeth on both jaws that looked like this:

National Geographic Livyatan

Similar to those psycho Great Horned Owls from my Wolfpack Blog Post, Moby would eat its own kind. Experts from Nat Geo say this is part of the reason why Baleen whales are so massive today. It’s partly due to Livyatan and Megalodon’s hunting them and creating havoc, so they evolved overtime in size as a defense mechanism. Killer whales, Humpback whales, White sharks, other prehistoric nightmares, Aquaman, nothing stood a chance.

Screen Shot 2017-09-13 at 8.51.49 PM.png
Mother of God

A Killer Whale launching a seal into the air…

Whale Launches Seal

Now imagine the ferociousness and power it takes to launch a living-breathing seal into the clouds? Double it, triple it, double triple that and it would equal the force of what a Livyatan could unleash. Then have a Megalodon waiting with its jaws wide open to complete the most epic ally-oop the animal kingdom has ever seen!

Here are some badass photos of what the Livyatan and Megalodon would look like and some skeleton fossils recovered:

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The only thing I’m going to leave you with is this: When the Big One comes from space again and does to Humans what it did to these badass creatures, do you think when civilization recovers it will be with tiny humans? Something to think about..

Can’t pass up a good opportunity to showcase these Massholes for seeing an alien in the water:

Links: National Geographic / Live Science / Wikipedia / Ocean wide Expeditions /     Cracked / Megalodon / Giphy / Sharkopedia Discovery / Dino Rider

8 thoughts on “Sperm Whales Used to be F*cking Terrifying

  1. Fun fact: Modern day sperm whales have sunk ships multiple times their own size before.

    If I had to pick any modern day animal to go toe-to-toe with a Meg or Livyatan, it’d be today’s sperm whales, esp. the bulls.

    These guys are practically invulnerable to anything short of orcas or humans. And even the orcas are usually unsuccessful in their predation attempts.

    Liked by 1 person

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